Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
