i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
