Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize