I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
And then he peed in my hair
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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