So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
