He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
