I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
When are your genitals available?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
