His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
