His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
