I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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