So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize