Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Mom said you looked used
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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