WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I cut my penus on the lid.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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