Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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