I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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