Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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