I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
