if i can run in heels then i can drive
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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