I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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