I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
