tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
