The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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