Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
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