Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
