Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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