is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
