just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
