had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
