Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
