I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
