the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
