If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
