If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
