good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
