He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
