I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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