thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
