the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize