Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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