You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
