it was like having sex with a tree stump
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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