I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
