I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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