The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
