you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize