connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
