I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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