Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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