My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
