ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i believe in u and ur pee
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
