my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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