I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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