I must be too annoying 4 u.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
