so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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