Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize