"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize