There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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