You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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