I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
