Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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