Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
