A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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