Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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