She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
